I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
