I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
