She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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