I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
