Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Found the puke drawer
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Randomize
