so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
