dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
our cab driver is having phone sex.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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