So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
