i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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