You're my little dorito
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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