I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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