She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I think your dad took our porno
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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