I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
