here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
