I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
