My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
