i already hear my dad disowning me
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
