sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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