You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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