remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
