You just made me feel so damn special
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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