he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
