he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
