She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
