Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Randomize
