if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
