operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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