70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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