I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
