My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize