I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
