Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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