We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
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