So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize