It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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