Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
