I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
