I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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