OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize