He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
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