Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
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