Swine flu. Run for my life!
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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