I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
But theres a keg here and me gusta
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
