A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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