Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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