he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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