I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
you traded sex for a burrito?
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
