I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
