dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Randomize
