she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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