new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
