Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
