Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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