My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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