More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
We just shotgunned beers for America
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
