Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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