i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
