I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I think I have vodka in my lungs
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
