just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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