the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize